Telling Secrets That Aren’t Yours To Tell

A few days back my boyfriend and his best friend got into a big fight. It was because of my boyfriend’s’s PTSD and he was triggered (which I can relate to completely) and he started beating on his best friend. By the end of the night they were hugging and laughing and fine again. But I was triggered that night by all the violence.

I thought for one thing I could trust this gentle giant. Then I saw him going at his best friend with a shovel, punching him, choking him, and suddenly I was triggered. This was his best friend. All I am is his girlfriend. What could he do to me if I accidentally triggered him? I don’t blame him for it all, but at that moment I was huddled behind a car, hyperventilating, thinking to myself “no way. This was not him. This was not the man I’ve been trusting.” In a way it felt like I had betrayed myself.

I knew he was a dangerous guy. My intuition had no problem pointing that out to me on the very first date. But, I hadn’t known how violent he could actually be. And, not only that, but I have a feeling in my gut telling me that was not nearly how violent he could have gotten.

Once he snapped out of it and they had apologized to each other my boyfriend came over to talk to me. I was still freaking out. I was screaming at him, I was mad, hurt, angry, scared, and absolutely horrified by what I had seen from him that night. That was not who I want around my kids, that was not who I wanted to sleep next to every night, that was not to who I wanted to trust my family with.

Basically, he asked if I was okay which I proceeded to yell “NO!” And then proceeded to tell him I had told his best friend about the child abuse and rape and he comes out and says “he already knew about it.” Sitting there, shocked,  my jaw dropped open. He knew?? How?? I never told him, until I blurted it out while I was hyperventilating. Then it hit me. My boyfriend had told him.

Now maybe you have learned this about me, maybe you haven’t but I am a VERY private person. Especially with that kind of stuff. I don’t flaunt it around, I don’t tell everyone I meet, I don’t make a big deal out of it not because it isn’t a big deal, but because that is sensitive information that I only tell my closest AND MOST TRUSTED friends and family that I know can handle it and deal with it the right way. So when I heard him say “he already knew” my temper rose through the roof. But for some odd reason, I didn’t react in the slightest. Instead, on the outside, I simply said “oh, okay” and left it at that.

But now I’m realizing that THAT is what has been stewing in my head. Not the fact that he was so violent, no. I was over that (somehow). It was the fact that I told him my deepest secret and he just went and told some drug dealing friend and all for what?? I don’t trust his friend!! Of course I respect him to the absolute minimum but if you guys know me at all I’m one for protecting lives at all cost ESPECIALLY IF THEY HAVE CHILDREN. His friend has killed many fathers and mothers and, even though I’ve never once told my boyfriend, I know he knows I don’t approve of the friends he’s been going around with lately. He isn’t choosing the best crowd if you know what I mean and when the time comes to start a family I will not take no for an answer when I say get him out of my child’s life.

I feel so betrayed that he’d tell him, yes it was all with good intentions, but that for one thing wasn’t your secret to tell. Two, I trusted you with that information. Three, you don’t go around telling drug dealers that kind of information (messed up guys pounce on already vulnerable girls. Especially if they haven’t healed from a rape yet and still think it was their fault. It would be almost too easy for another rapist to come along and violate her more and she’d just go straight downhill). Lucky for me though I have healed from the rape, both of them. And I’m sure his friend could sense that, as I could sense from him that he wasn’t the most trust worthy guy. Four, now that he has that information he could use it against me in any way he wanted: to get sex, to get me to buy his drugs, to get me to do anything he wanted. I don’t even know how to deal with this.

For all my boyfriend knows I’m fine from the entire incident. He has no idea that this is stewing in my mind and I know if I bring it up to him I’ll freeze up and somehow he’ll twist it so that I’m okay with his drug dealer best friend knowing my retched past and then go home and still be mad about it. I need advice. Please help. Comment. Anyone! Please.

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7 thoughts on “Telling Secrets That Aren’t Yours To Tell”

  1. Dear AnnaGirl- I read your post this morning and at the end you said, please comment, anyone. So here comes anyone, with a comment. It sounds like you are running with a rough crowd. If your boyfriend can go apeshit on his best friend like you described, he will, someday, go apeshit on you. You won’t know exactly what you did or said, but it will hit you right out of the blue. After 53 years of abuse and degradation, one thing I have finally learned the hard way, is when people tell you or show you who they really are, believe them. Believe him, Annagirl, and make a better decision for your life. Read some of my blog stories if you want to know where I’m coming from. I am praying for your and your children’s safety. Make a move, quietly and without a lot of fuss. Just do it.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. You know what you need to do. Trust your intuition and know that if you were in a healthy relationship this wouldn’t even be an issue. If one of your children (assuming you have children) were in your shoes how would you advise them? Would you want your daughter to settle for a relationship and friends that could be potentially harmful to her or would you urge her to respect herself and move on? Wouldn’t you want her to have a happy and fear free relationship? Abuse and rape are not easy to overcome, but it’s a process with many different steps. Getting past nightmares and anxiety is only the beginning. You must also learn to love and respect yourself, and expect that love and respect from those with whom you have a personal relationship. You’re a beautiful, intelligent, and talented woman. You don’t have to settle.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Hi AnnaGirl! My heart goes out to you and all that you have been through. You asked for advice so I will comment. I don’t know if you are still in this relationship but trust your intuition. When you see someone become violent like that, the potential for them doing the same again and even turning on you is significant. If you did not fear him, you would have already talked to him about this. I understand your concerns about your “secrets” being shared, but I have more concerns for your safety with your boyfriend. There are many who “share” things and I have a fear that he may want to “share” you with his friend. He does not seem trustworthy or you would trust him. Please find a way out of this relationship. You have been through enough and I fear for your safety. So many of us have suffered PTSD from the abuses of our past and have wounds and residual fear that gets triggered at times. If your PTSD was already triggered by your boyfriends actions with another person, please so not stay around to see what will happen to you. This crowd with drug users and this type of violence that they can beat up each other and then hug is not an environment that you would want to raise your children. You deserve better. He will expect the same from you if and when he hurts you… to hug and go on like nothing happened. Be good to yourself and make a new start. You are a beautiful young woman and you have your entire life ahead of you. You no longer have to put up with abuse.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Awe… You are so sweet. I just understand so much of what you are feeling. So many of us have made wrong choices in our lives… but every day is a new day and a new chance to make better choices. I pray that you are safe.

        Liked by 1 person

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